I had a hard time this year coming up with a new reiteration of last years piece. I loved that one and... in a way it was more peaceful. Gazing at this drawing, I can definitely see how I am feeling. It's not refined, it's not happy, it's not comforting. I am not happy. I finally came down to feeling that I am ready to go back to New York and see the memorial and face what I lost. I feel awful. In fact, besides making my mother happy... this day of the year or even coming up to this day has gone so wrong. A power surge destroyed my power supply on the computer and I was unable to finish this in time, as I always do.
Now, before I continue- understand this first:
These drawings every year are my way of letting things out. A LOT of pent up memories and feelings go into these pieces. Think for one moment, picture a 15 year old girl standing in a high school classroom doorway as she watches a building fall, knowing her only sister is inside. Sent to live with another family for months while her own family ran to New York to find some hope... no one to talk to, no one to understand. No therapy. Art was the only outlet. These are the only things I really remember. My mind has found a way to block those memories away and sometimes I wish I can remember but then again... no.
Now... with knowing I can not fully complete this piece when my power supply went out... EVERYTHING spills out.
My Husband did his best to calm me down and the best thing he could say was "What would your sister tell you right now?". It took me a moment and I knew the answer. She would've told me "Don't cry. You'll make me cry." These are probably the last words I remember from me sister when we were saying goodbye the last time I saw her. (She did cry and then we cried some more)
I was able to finally fall asleep. I told myself "as long as it's done on that day." I am very thankful my Father had a small power supply. It's 250 watts... but here it is.
Going on, today while I was heading to pay my respects to my sister at the cemetary, I realized that no matter how long it gets, it doesn't make it better. Had no TV to listen to the news or see the shows that the networks presents but reading and seeing the things around me. What was it that I read while I gazed at a newspaper in a coffee store... "70% of America has gotten over the attacks of 9/11". I'd love to know how they managed to interview 70% of the US, first of all... but perhaps in a way this newspaper is right. Even google was left bare this year (again).
9/11 will just be another Pearl Harbor and this will change nothing for me.
Besides all of that... it's okay cause I try to think it will be okay. I loved and still love my sister dearly. I pray that I can be just like her all the time. I want my brothers to look to me like we all did to her. Jaime was wonderful and every year I will tell you over and over about her just so for one moment... hundreds of people can remember her at once and know who she was.
I know all of this, as always, was TL
R... and for those who did read, thank you. I also want to thank all of you who take the time to check up on me every year. I love you all.
To see my previous years for my 9/11 pieces:
2011 - [link]
2010 - [link]