Live Without Your Sunlight

I possessed a lot of free time to sit to contemplate and work on this piece. Having taken a few days of vacation to relax my mind and avoid pressing into anxiety, I figured it would be best for me so I could put a lot into this. Oddly enough, it seems having a lot of time doesn't change things much. This year, I found myself at a loss for words and at a loss of any overwhelming turmoil. I was dreading the day, yes, but it wasn't sending me into fits of tears or mood swings. I started to wonder if I was truly numb or just tired of pain. The piece itself transitioned between a smile or a frown, as did the composition and setting. I figured... "my friends are just keeping me out of that mind set." and in a way, they did. I've spent my days off laughing because of them and I figured the sadness will never come out for me to work on this and set it aside.

Then, yesterday morning, fate was there to greet me. Driving back home from a morning errand there stood a large man on the side of the road bolstering a very large sign.

"3000 no longer exist." was the first line of text. "9/11. www.Islamsomethingsomething"

I had to pay attention to the road, but I knew it was a string of hate and staring at this man or turning around to park and get out of the car to give him a piece of my mind wasn't in the cards but within me it felt as though a pipe had busted. 3000 no longer exist. Tears dripped down my face from behind my sunglasses. No matter how you put it... "3000 are no longer with us, 3000 are gone, 3000 were taken." it still slaps a stark reality over you and it's enough to pull you out of whatever fantasy world you were trying to escape to. I felt an intense dislike for that man and the feelings for what he had done stayed in my mind all day. I wanted so badly to go up to him and tell him that my sister existed in my heart. The feelings that she wasn't here, that she technically no longer existed on many standards ached. I wanted to make my own sign stating "3000 were lost; while this man thinks about them once a year, I think about them everyday." I have a hard time when that realization comes around and I try to remember her voice. I try to remember every little thing about her and it's so hard to grasp she is gone. I can't call. I can't scream for her. I can't see her. Doesn't exist? In my heart I keep telling myself otherwise and it makes me miss her more. It makes me wish a thousand times it wasn't her.

I did not think I'd have anything to say. After I finished this piece I laid in bed wondering why. Writing my thoughts out kind of gets old every year. BUT... I owe it to her. I owe it to those people who are no longer here. As the world warms up to forgetting or never being born into this tragedy, I will continue to get used to it with guilt every time it seems I am feeling a sense of calm and pain when I remind myself.

I love my big sister more than anything.
I want her back.
I want her to exist.
I don't want pain anymore.

To those that stayed beside me and watched me draw this, thank you. To my guildmates that have kept me laughing the past few days and kept me up till 4am...while you were unknowing to my pain, you gave me a chance to forget it and treat this week as it were normal. To those who always come to see this piece, I thank you as well.

I only wish I had more to say, but my body and heart feels tired. Do a good deed today. Do it to remember the people who died. Think of think them...so they can exist.

To see my previous years for my 9/11 pieces:
2012 - luniara.deviantart.com/art/Del…
2011 - luniara.deviantart.com/art/Men…
2010 - luniara.deviantart.com/art/Onl…
2009 luniara.deviantart.com/art/Str…
2008 fav.me/d1m5aua
2007 fav.me/d12i095
2006 fav.me/dnicxa

My sister:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_WQke…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=2b_b8F…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFDph0…